Nerdy Girls' Gameplay

The Ninth Configuration

by tunafish1 @ 2008-09-04 – 23:44:48

It's five hours before I get on the plane and I feel like reviewing something. Not just anything, but something that most people haven't even heard of: the Ninth Configuration.

"The Ninth Configuwhat?" most of you are probably saying at home. That was what I said too, the first time I stumbled upon the title on Xusia's blog. I knew nothing about it, except that it looked old, and it starred Stacy Keach. "What the hell, I'll give it a look-see." Usually that phrase ends up with me watching twenty minutes of shit before changing the channel. But occasionally, very occasionally, I get my world rocked.

Films like the Ninth Configuration are the reason the genre 'cult movie' was invented: its constantly twisting plot incorporates elements of the psychological thriller, social satire, surrealist comedy and the allegorical tale without ever giving itself up to one genre. To further up the artistic ante, the tale is populated by rich, flamboyantly crafted characterisations and stunning dialogue that combines heady artistic, religious and philosophical matters. It's the kind of story that could have easily chased its own tail into pretentious oblivion, yet the Ninth Configuration manages to remain grounded thanks to the craftsmanship its creators bring to the table.

Despite the fact that it was written and directed by William Peter Blatty (who penned The Exorcist) and won a Golden Globe for best screenplay, people who have seen this film seem few and far between. However, those who have mention it in the same reverential tone reserved for films like One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest and with good reason. The movie is good; strangely, phenomenally good. Fantastic acting, razor-sharp dialogue, gripping characters, and a mind-bending theme. Though a fine enesemble piece, the most engaging performances come from Scott Wilson and Stacy Keach, who left me both giddily surprised and surprisingly moved.

In an old European-style transplanted castle, the U.S. military has established an 'experimental' mental health facility to care for psychologically disturbed servicemen. Of course, it is the unofficial opinion of the staff that only half of them are genuinely disturbed, while the other half are just fakers bucking for a ticket home. The patients indulge in all kinds of nutty things. One inmate likes taking hammers to the walls because 'the molecules aren't cooperating' with his attempts at passing through them. Another has decided to put on a production of Shakespeare's Hamlet - starring only dogs. The doctors mostly try to keep the patients in line, and fail to make any real progress - until Colonel Vincent Kane (Stacy Keach) shows up.

Although Kane is soft-spoken and enigmatic, his voice betraying a very world-weary soul, he looks like the kind of dude who could assassinate you with a paper clip or snap your neck with his thumbs. But as the new director of the asylum, he begins to take a drastically different approach to treating the patients, much to the chagrin of the staff. Kane starts holding conversations with rambling and delusional patients as calmly as you and I would discuss the weather or what was on television last night. Rather than put restrictions on the patients, he indulges their every whim. He even gets the staff and guards involved in a bit of role playing, getting them to dress up like Nazis so that the patients can dress up like POW's and play 'Great Escape', complete with tunnel digging.

"Why, that's just crazy!" Of course it is . . . maybe even crazy enough to work. Kane starts getting results, and starts reaching the men in a way that no staff of clipboard and pill-toting drones possibly could. This leaves the staff to wonder if Kane is merely an unorthodox genius, or if he's just another lunatic who's taken over the asylum.

One patient isn't buying into Kane's regimen, however. Former pilot and astronaut Captain Billy Cutshaw is a tough nut to crack. After ending up in the hospital because he went into a screaming panic fit on the launch pad, he argues with Kane about everything from politics to God (especially God), and seems to be the one patient that Kane can't reach. The dynamic between these two men is the high point of the film, providing the most hilarious and profoundly touching moments. When Cutshaw goes AWOL and is cornered in bar by a nasty group of bikers, Kane goes after him to try and save him. This results in one of the most violent, amazing, and unflinching bar brawl bloodbaths ever. I think I said "Holy Shit" at least three times during that scene.

The movie is damn funny, but it's also damn profound. There is a big "Kane as Christ" metaphor running through the film that, despite moments of ham-fistedness, works surprisingly well - even on an agnostic-but-damn-near-atheist like myself. But as good as Keach is in this role, I was ready to believe him as the second coming.

This movie is not to be missed for any fans of psychological and philosophical drama, and should be the centerpiece of a Stacy Keach shrine somewhere, should one ever be erected. And now that it's finally out on DVD, you have no excuse not to check it out.

Week Off

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-27 – 23:35:50

Hey...

So, I'm going to be away from the country and any reasonable web hookup for most of the week so don't look for any new content until at least next Thurday. My return will (probably) bring with it by-now perfunctory blogs of Harry Potter (beware!!!) and The Love Guru.

Toribash Review

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-26 – 00:39:03

Its time to take a step away from the hardcore games, movies and rants about documentries and look into the indie realm with Toribash: a violent 3D fighting multiplayer game with some very involved controls. It’s a game that takes a lot of effort to master, but is also extremely rewarding once you get the hang of it.

Toribash is the creation of Singapore-based Nabi Studios, and it’s grown to become a bit of an underground phenomenon that includes a community of over 12,000 active users, and nearly as many replay videos on Youtube showing off spectacular fighting moves created in the game. But to understand the appeal of this quirky game, you have to start with the fundamentals.

There are two figures made up of spheres representing muscle groups, and you control them to make them move their limbs and fight one another - except in multiplayer games, where you and your opponent send your moves to each other, turn by turn. There’s a lot to learn in how to click on the right muscle to select Compress, Extend, Hold or Relax at the right time, in order to jump forward, punch, kick, grab and defend against your opponent. One wrong move and you could very easily send yourself falling over in all directions. Just a simple punch or kick will take many clicks of the mouse, since there are so many body parts that you can and must control! No, it’s not an easy game to learn. But it’s really rewarding to achieve that impossible jumping kick, or to grab your opponent and smash him into the ground. You can record replays to upload for other users to see, whether it’s in your own practice sessions fighting a static target, or in online games against other Toribash players.

And it’s violent - this is a game you may want to keep away from young children. Even though the figures are intentionally abstract, with just simple eyes on their round faces and no real distinguishing marks other than the color of the blocks and spheres, the violence can still disturb some people. If you put enough pressure on a joint, or any body part for that matter, it will break off with a meaty crack or a crunch. At the default game setting, drops of red blood will spill as well. It’s not uncommon for a match between skilled Toribash players to become a darkly comical farce when limbs and heads go flying in all directions!

Over the years, Toribash has been updated and improved many times, and it’s now available for free for both Windows and Mac platforms. There are countless user mods available, which are all bundled with the game, offering weapons, anti-gravity, giant sized characters, sumo characters, and many other simple changes that make a whole new game when you use these settings. And there are a lot of settings to adjust, but the settings screen doesn’t have simple check boxes - you have to actually type the setting numbers you want. In that sense, it isn’t a well polished user interface at all, it’s more of a simulation program for expert users. Even people who might be into hardcore games might not find the interface to their liking.

Granted, this game takes a lot more learning than most others out there. But if you’re willing to visit the community forum, read up on gameplay tips, and play through the game over and over to master the deadly flying kick, your video might be the next one that Toribash users will be chattering about!

And once you become a master of this virtual gory dojo you can create moves such as these gentle little numbers...you've been warned:

Wall-E

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-22 – 13:45:45

Pixar has always been sort of like the homeschooled Asian kid in an american spelling bee: They're so fucking good at what they do you sometimes wish they'd slip up just so you can know they're human. Pixar just kept making masterpiece after masterpiece, and people - myself included - started to wonder if it wouldn't be nice to see them blow it ONCE just to see what that would look like… and then they made a wretched piece of shit called CARS - the 2nd worst talking-automobile movie of the century. Talk about a monkey's paw moment, eh? Okay guys, you're human after all. That's nice… but please don't ever suck again, okay?

Fortunately, Ratatouille was a welcome return to form and now we have Wall*E; so far the best American film of 2008 and… dare I say it? Maybe one of the best science fiction films ever. That ain't me fishing for a blurb, kids, I'm serious. We're talking 2001, Metropolis, E.T., Day the Earth Stood Still here. It's THAT FUCKING GOOD.

Having managed to literally cover the planet in garbage, we're informed that the entire human race took off for a five-year space-vacation during which time an army of robots called Wall*Es were supposed to clean the place up. As we open, it's clearly been a lot longer than five years and only one Wall*E remains. He's still dutifully collecting and stacking trash, but at some point he started developing a personality. He collects shiny trinkets, watches a Betamax tape of 'Hello Dolly' to memorization and… well, he's lonely as hell. So when a mysterious girl robot named Eve shows up, he's immediately smitten and makes impressing her his new prime-directive.

This first half of the film is, as you've heard, amazing filmmaking. No dialogue save for a few of the robot's limited beeping, it's all told by gesture and physical-acting by two profoundly non-human characters. We're basically watching the romance blossoming between what are essentially a baby garbage-truck and big flying Ipod… it's sweet and moving, that's filmmaking right there.

Eve, however, is no ordinary robot - she's a probe sent by a still-spacebound humanity to seek signs of flora and fauna on Earth… and when Wall*E inadvertently helps her accomplish this, they wind up wisked into outer space where Wall*E and we learn what's become of humanity it what it now seems has been 700 YEARS away from home.

A lot has been said now about the second half of the film, and it's supposedly radical environmental message. The new humanity, we learn, have been living in a mechanically-automated utopia for so long they've de-evolved into a species of perpetual giant babies, robbed both of the capacity and desire for self-reliance. There's no missing the broad satiric swipes at couch-culture and Wal-Mart, but that's where the much-ballyhooed edge ends and why I'm calling bullshit on the so-called conservative culture-critics who've opened fire on the film.

Guys, really: There's not ONE mention of oil, carbon footprints, fossil fuels or global warming. None. The big eco-disaster here is littering. Are you really going to seriously tell me that 'don't litter' is now an unacceptably partisan message for a childrens film? For fuck's sake, it's not even really about consumer goods or corporate greed- the humans are enslaved by their own unwitting sloth, having lived for generations in a system of cradle-to-grave automated care with no demand to fend for themselves - it's about rejecting utopia for self-sufficiency. So-called right-wingers: That's supposed to be your whole damn ideology!!!

Honestly, at first I was bracing to be disappointed by this second half. The ads have done such a good job keeping things secret, I was thinking it might be possible that the humans would be the bad guys of the film - perhaps with sinister plans for Eve and Wall*E would have to thwart them and maybe it'd end with Wall*E blasting these useless fleshbags out of the sky and heading back to repopulate Earth with his lady. I mean, I'm not exactly the biggest fan of humanity from day to day, you may have noticed. That's an ending I wanna see in a cartoon.

But it became clear pretty quickly that that wasn't where they were going. Nope, as it turns out Pixar has an optimistic view of humanity, and imagines that the incremental anarchy Wall*E's mere presence fosters on the starship can serve to wake up their dormant spirit and drive them to reach for their own potential. One character is so captivated by a few crumbs of dirt from Wall*E's wheels that he googles his way through human history and is eventually seized by the desire to become a farmer. Wall*E just wants to win the girl, but fate - and Pixar - have cast him as nothing less than the inadvertent savior of the entire human race.

And y'know what? It works! And I was right there with it! As the blimp-shaped descendants of humankind slowly regain the concepts of conversation, contact, love and individuality… the film's secondary story (we're first-and-foremost with Wall*E and his quest to rescue Eve) becomes the kind of celebration of humanity rising to the occasion that you usually only get from old war movies. This is a film that genuinely believes that we are as inherently good and capable as Wall*E is, and while it was running I was really feeling the vibe.

So, yeah, here's a blurb for ya: WALL*E! It's so good it made me stop hating my fellow man for a whole 90 minutes!

Voyeurism of Today

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-21 – 23:43:27

As a programme title, The Boy with an Arse for a Face sounds like a parody. Actually, it is a parody, a sketch of That Mitchell and Webb Look. If it sounds like a crude satire on medical “shock docs” then consider that Five has showed The Boys Joined at the Head, and that Channel 4 broadcasts The Girl with 8 Limbs. Both films belong to extremely popular documentary strands that, whatever else you say about them, help to crowd out documentaries with something to say about our world rather than its sensational exceptions.

Shooting People, a large social network for some 30,000 film-makers, most of whom struggle to be shown on network television, used to run a weekly competition in which members competed to spot the most vilely titled forthcoming documentary. They had plenty of choice. Five's Extraordinary People has introduced us to The Woman with Half a Face, The Boy with a New Head and The Twins Who Share a Body. Channel 4's Bodyshock has presented Megatumour, Born with Two Heads, The Snake- woman and The World's Biggest Boy.

The competition was eventually wound up, presumably after Discovery last year included in its My Shocking Story series, Half Man Half Tree, the tale of an Indonesian fisherman whose body's transformation into bark-like welts was so hideous that bloggers on YouTube, where a clip inevitably appeared, wrongly cried hoax.

Historians may well one day debate which was the true era of grotesquery and voyeurism: the 17th century, with its viewing galleries in lunatic asylums, the 18th, with its public hangings, the 19th, with its fairground elephant men - or our own.

TV executives are unlikely to rush to claim credit for the first shock doc. The earliest I know of was Boy David, filmed before I was even born in 1983 by Desmond Wilcox. David was a Peruvian orphan whose face had been eaten away by some malignant disease. After being discovered by a Scottish plastic surgeon, David endured 80 operations on his face. The film established a pattern from which the genre has hardly deviated: the victim will be poor and live abroad, his saviour will be a doctor from the affluent West, a journey will therefore be required, a handy metaphor for the film's narrative.

But here in the shock doc's genesis lies the paradox. Wilcox's film was shocking yet won five international awards and was praised for its sensitivity. Extraordinary People and Bodyshock sometimes receive similar compliments. They shock, but only occasionally do they move. The Girl with 8 Limbs obeys the format: a sensationally disabled child from India travels a long distance for a medical miracle. Yet the dignity of her parents, who could have made money from their daughter as a reincarnation of a Hindu goddess, inspires. Similarly, the story of the separation by a Dallas surgeon of the Egyptian boys' heads moves because the children possess courage and lack self-pity.

The moral line these documentors should draw is that the programmes cannot just be powerful human interest stories. They have to tell us something wider about ourselves and they have to be underwritten by credible science. If they don't, they can cross the line into voyeurism. Unfortunately, a lot of people have started to make them and some are better than others.

This week's shock doc is not irresponsible, but I wondered why I had to be commissioned to watch them, whereas seeing again Patrick Collerton's award-winning The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off from 2004 was a pleasure. The explanation, I think, is that Collerton subverted shock doc convention. Jonny Kennedy, dying from a genetic condition which meant his skin flayed at the touch, was not the victim but the protagonist of his story. From Northumberland not India, 36 not 6, exhibiting the mordant wit of a stand-up comedian, Kennedy narrated his own posthumous story, voicing its opening words as if from his coffin. This was the reverse of an intrusion. Kennedy was asking, even forcing, us to watch. He thought (and who is to say he was wrong?) that some shock docs do us good.

Contrast this with the latest of Channel 5’d bile of The Woman With Giant Legs. Here we have a lady with such incredible inner (and upper body) strength it is hard not to be inspired by her story- but the documentry does nothing to convey this over to us. Instead of passing on her distressing tale to the audience by providing us with a problem, a thesis and a solution we get lots of images of the poor woman struggling to get out of a car, get her sandwhich from a worktop and even walk into a specialised shoe shop. This would be acceptable if there had been some form of resolve. What we get instead is a big load of nothing- the ‘story’ finished exactly how it began.

What makes me feel sick though, is how I sat through it all. Knowing that the conclusion was nonexistance means that I now have no way of justfying my actions in watching the documentry! To be honest…I feel dirty. I may as well go beat up some Down’s sufferes and dance on the grave of the Elephant Man.

Emotional Video Game Moments

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-19 – 21:02:09

You’re assigned to rescue the embattled squad you have fought alongside for the past ten hours, but you’ve failed miserably. The music reaches its crescendo as the words ‘game over’ emerge from the gloom. It’s not frustration you feel but regret and sadness for yourself and your fellow men you let die. Do you remember this video game scenario? Probably not... when it comes to games and emotions most touch on our simpler instincts, such as ‘frustrated controller throwing’ or a vague sense of satisfaction upon completion.

A game that can evoke deep emotions like longing, despair, anger, frustration, empathy, fear is the Holy Grail for me and others in the industry as it confirms the vision of interactive entertainment being the best story telling medium since film.

Sadly we are a long ways off from this vision but that’s not to say there haven’t been some inspired moments amongst the mindless shooting and princess saving. There are many ways of looking at emotions in games and many would focus on those which occur in cust scenes. Not I! I look for the ones that combine game play, story and presentation that involves more than just pixels on a screen.

So I present to you my top 5 most emotional gaming moments (besides the death of the chick from Final Fantasy VII). Spoilers all round, if you really care.

5) “This was a triumph…”

When it comes to emotional gaming moments, the majority are sparked by human characters with human emotions. This is of course because we can relate to them. In Portal, however, your only ‘friend’ (and I use that term very loosely) is a bodiless female computer voice who guides you through the levels whilst at the same time trying to, rather blunderingly, end your life by telling you to do such things as step in front of firing guns. Come the end of the game, you must destroy this homicidal bot in classic video game style: blowing the place sky high. However, instead of feeling happy you’ve killed your nemesis, you feel pity. This bodiless voice was so endearing and its comedic qualities amused you no end. The completion of the game feels empty and you have no real sense of achievement. That is until the credits role: a smile creeps slowly across your face when the computer begins to sing that she is still alive.

4) “Hal, I miss you”

If I were doing a ‘top ten’ list, most of it would involve moments from the Metal Gear series. Kojima manages to make grown men cry manly tears as he blends game play with cinema seamlessly. In the case of Metal Gear Solid 2, estranged siblings Hal (known as Otacon) and Emma Emmerich are reunited in a beautifully written piece. She is then, despite the players best efforts, cruelly taken away by fate and Hal must, yet again, endure the loss of another loved one. All that is left of Emma’s memory is her pet parrot who had learned to mimic her. As Hal walks away, dejected and crestfallen, the parrot follows repeating ‘Hal, I miss you’ over and over again…now that’s rough.

3) “What…what have I done?”

My longest and least viewed blog is all about the wonders of Fahrenheit. You see, the most powerful emotional moment in this game happens in the first four minutes rather than in the middle or end. A raven flies through a snowy New York and perches itself on the window ledge of a café toilet. Inside, a man does his business- all is normal. That is, until you see a blood covered blade in the hands of a man with lifeless eyes. You watch, horrified, as he jerkily creeps up behind this blissfully unaware customer and stabs him with absolute resolve. Just as you question what’s going on, the murderer snaps to reality, looks down at the body and desolation grows in his and your stomach as you both come to the same realisation- you are the murderer. You, the player and Lucas, the character begin on the same level of knowledge and the journey you take together becomes not a chore, but a need.

2) “There is only room for one Boss…”

In Metal Gear Solid 3, you must fight your old mentor; the woman who loved and raised you to the soldier you are today. The bond between the two is an unphysical, unspoken love but only one of you can survive- that person is Snake. The woman, ‘Boss’, begs for you to take her life as she lies in a field of white flowers. She hands you her treasured gun and the cut scene transitions into game play. With a press of a button, you end her life. As the sound of the bullet echoes around you, the flowers turn into a blood red and float away in the breeze. From the distance, the Boss’s horse trots hesitantly into the scene. It nuzzles its nose against its master’s body and lets out an ear-splitting lament and tears were shed world wide.

1) “AGRO!?!”

Ever had a pet? Well, imagine this pet was your only companion in a solitary world and had guided you through an epic journey of an impossible magnitude. He was always there, by your side, through good and bad: a loyal friend in a desolate land. How would you feel if, in a desperate attempt to save your life, it had sacrificed itself? That is what everyone who played Shadow of the Colossus had to endure as Agro, your loyal steed, gave up its life so you could finish your mission. He tossed you from his back to safety as the bridge crumbled from beneath his hoofs and he fell with a pitiful wail into the abyss, further and further. People everywhere felt The Wanderers agony as we shouted along with him: “AGRO!?!”

X-Files: I Want To Believe

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-17 – 23:57:45

Ladies and Gentlemen: draw nigh that you may hear the proclamation of this momentous of occasions! Let the word go forth to all that needs to hear, from the lowest village to the highest parapet, that on August 17th ‘Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace’ shall henceforth no longer be known as the worst piece of shit ever to result from the attempted rejuvenation of a well known sci-fi franchise!

Yeah it’s that bad.

‘The X Files: I Want to Bel’- no scrap that: ‘The X Files: I Want My Money Back’ is an absolute marvel of bad film making. It has a god awful screenplay, bland direction, wafer thin characters, ghastly acting and a story that manages to be hysterically horrible despite the fact that nothing remotely interesting ever fucking happens. It has no climax, it has no hook, it has no real arcs to speak of and it doesn’t have a single memorable scene or intriguing idea in its body…NOTHING! I can’t remember seeing a movie this awful in my recent life.

Anyway, do you remember how the X Files ended? Yeah, me neither but that doesn’t matter seeing as no one cares. Short version- the same deal is going on but they are no longer FBI agents and I assume they’ve been sleeping together for a while. Scully still doesn’t believe in the crazy weird shit but she’s Catholic and Moulder believes in all the crazy weird shit but thinks religion is hogwash… because that’s called ‘depth’.

So, Scully is a doctor now working in a Catholic hospital and she’s trying to cure some kid from movie cancer whilst Moulder is... hanging around the house clipping articles, I guess. Aww, remember the 90’s where paranoid obsessives were cool heroes instead of incredible douche-bags?

Anyway, the FBI contacts the paranormal specialist to come back and work on a missing person’s case in Virginia. See, they are missing an agent and their only leads are coming from a crazy ex-priest who claims he is getting visions from God and they want Moulder to tell them he’s the real deal. There’s some doubt you see as the ‘ex’ in ‘ex-priest’ is because this guy happens to have molested 37 alter boys… just so you know, the movie doesn’t get less icky from thereon out.

Without giving anything major away the creepy magical priest keeps finding buried body parts and it’s got something to do with Black Market organs but not really because this is the X-files so it has to be weird but not too weird because god-forbid you go all out for the fucking movie which has been ten years in the making…I’ll stop here before I go off on a crazy tangent.

You know what really dropped my jaw about this film? Just how icky, sleazy, blunt and mean spirited it is. The whole thing is just in really bad taste and for no discernable reason (for fucks sake even Hostel has a point!) and I’m pretty comfortable in saying that whatever side of the culture war you find yourself on the ‘topical’ parts of this movie are probably going to have you grinding the fuck out of your teeth either way. Conservatives: let me tell you, the paedophile priest is actually the nicest member of the clergy we get to meet in the movie and liberals… I’m not going to give out full details but you’re not going to like it either. It’s not that I have anything against poking fun at religion or politically incorrect bad guys; it’s just there is no point to this- the result ends up being grimy, sleazy and rather homophobic. More to the point; it’s just totally devoid of nuance and substance. For example, at one point when Moulder and Scully show up at the FBI building again they pass a customary picture of the president, they exchange a glance and then the camera puts the picture of G.W in the frame and plays the all-so spooky X-Files whistle chord. I wish I were kidding! Look, I can’t stand the guy and I thought this was a lame gag; it’s a total out of the movie dumb, lame bit and a bad sign of things to come of just how cheesy this movie gets.

Honestly, I’m at a loss for words- I have not been this awestruck that a movie turned out this bad since Transformers- Mamma Mia is a thousand times better than this shit. How did this happen? How did they wait ten fucking years to make this?! There’s just no movie here! Even as laughably close as it comes to a ‘big reveal’, it’s too easy to figure out and then it doesn’t do anything cool. The whole movie just sits there, as though we’re supposed to be satisfied that Moulder and Scully have returned to our screens just to talk about belief.

Hey, you wanna know what I believe? I want to believe that the real X-Files movie is good and I only dreamed seeing this shit!

Girls in Games

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-15 – 00:49:07

Screw the lengthy introduction this time; I’m going straight to the point: Video games treat women as sex objects. That’s not even a question or a quizzical thought- it’s a fact. When the female sex turns up in a video game, 9 times out of 10 it’s for sex appeal first and anything else second if at all. Now comes the question: Is this a problem?

I want you to think about something- how many principle female heroes in all of fiction can you name that does not have ‘attractive’ as one of their significant virtues? Not many. Now think about male characters. Set aside those that are ordinary looking because then we would be here all day and just think about the sheer number of male heroes who are allowed to have downright ugliness as a defining attribute…yea the disparity is really quite stunning and it summarizes an interesting aspect of our cultural psyche.

Since the majority of female heroes seem to be inspired by material aimed at women it can be discerned that us females place just as high, if not higher, a premium on beauty in female characters as men do. There must be a lot of complex and utterly boring reasons for this, but to simplify, nobody cares about the handsomeness of men apart from gay men and women but apparently everyone likes a pretty girl, including women and especially gay men- look at the fashion industry for fucks sake.

So it’s not surprising that video games would follow suit by having every female character stride out looking like they’ve just jumped out of a Maxim calendar. And yes- it also has a lot to do with the fact that the average gamer is between the ages of 18 and 35 and are dudes- but I prefer to make my blogs nice and lengthy, so I’ll be ignoring this major factor.

In any case it is an indisputable truism that the overwhelming majority of female heroes (and villains for that matter) are a catalogue of spectacular babeage; a catwalk of flawless skin, toned tummies, perfect asses, killer legs and amazing tits all assembled into a character that is adventurous yet innocent, pixyish yet powerful, classy yet very slutty and that some people (mostly women) have a problem with that.

The meat of the debate generally comes down to matters of perception and expectations. Portraying women in this way negatively impacts both the relationship and self image development in younger gamers, both male and female, by setting up impossible standards. If little boys grow up with Lara Croft as a barometer they are going to be disappointed and are probably going to give the overlooked real girls a bit of a complex. I’d also add that they would be missing out on discoveries such as, while D cups are esthetically pleasing for the male eye, a couple of B’s tends to be more user friendly as they are conveniently near to the perfect hand-to-boob ratio. You see, an increase in mass generally means a decrease in sensitivity and thus more work on your behalf but not necessarily superior results. That and virtual women can’t offer hugs, kisses, emotional support or conversation which are kind of important too.

Meanwhile, this whole charade will certainly not end well for women who hold themselves up to these standards because, well, human beings were never supposed to be shaped like this…are we clear on this? Dudes, gals, Japanese character artists whose fault most of this is in the first place, are we clear? Yes, fantasy is a healthy part of life but if you see a women shaped like a those sexy virtual babes just walking down the street then you need to run the fuck away because she’s been sent her by Skynet!

But it’s far worse than that: if these bodies were unobtainable than us women would have figured that out already, be disappointed, get over it, move on and then derive endless amusement from our male counterparts’ inability to do the same. Yet the fact is that the average physique of these characters is attainable for anyone with the money and low self esteem to throw themselves under the knife… as if it wasn’t sad enough that young girls are barfing their way to an unhealthy thinness. Are we really ready to face a future where surgeons get to buy their fourth yacht with the money given to them by a wispy little thing who hopes that some ungodly perversion of the Golden Ratio will make her feel less self-conscious in the world? And if you think I’m going over the top here, this is an industry where Nariko can be said to have a comparably realistic figure and Tifa Lockhart is considered ‘butch’…

So…what are we going to do about this? Not the actual cheesecake representation of women in games- I think we’ve established that’s not going anywhere; guys like it, girls like it, some girls really like it…that’s staying where the fuck it is. What we can do however is change how this idiosyncrasy of the medium changes the outside world. And ladies, when I say ‘we’, I mean us- because the guys are totally helpless with this one. They’re useless, no joke. They are completely out of their league at fixing this. You’re never going to turn off a male geek’s tendency to be sexually attracted to virtual titties- the power is just not in our hands for that. Fortunately, that’s just about the only power that is not in our hands!

See, nerds are socially awkward- if they weren’t they would be called something different thus some of them have the same odds of getting with Princess Farah than with one of you. Yet if you were, by some freak of nature, a direct copy of Farah those gamer geeks probably wouldn’t be able to work up the courage to speak to you. I’m not suggesting you go sleep with the Anime guy who hangs around at Blockbuster who you once overheard telling his friends you looked ‘almost elfish’ (although where he comes from, that’s a really high compliment!). It’s just that most of these guys are totally nice, friendly and well worth knowing and some of them are actually pretty dateable- you just have to make the first move to see how a Guy Geek changes into a normal dude once woman acknowledge his existence. I can vouch for that: Comic-con used to smell a lot different before the existence of us Girl Geeks exploded and then suddenly, BANG, the dudes discovered hygiene! We made an important difference then and we can do it again.

In simple terms- the more likely it is that a Guy Geek can feel confident enough to form relationships with real women, the less likely he is to turn to the fantastical virtual woman. The less powerful that lure, the less game developers would need to over employ it… which eventually means a lot fewer, shitty releases of Tomb Raider sequels and in that respect alone, we’ll be doing Gods work.

Soapbox: What's Wrong With a Big, Beautiful Princess?

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-13 – 00:30:04

Everything... apparently. Sony's titular 'Fat Princess' has the internet up in arms, as the knee-jerk blogosphere once again demonstrates that it has absolutely no sense of humor. The internet is serious business! Curious if I had somehow missed the sinister agenda behind this game, I dug deep into coverage of the outcry, and came back more confused than ever. Let me explain the premise of this game:

It’s like a well known game called Capture the Flag but revolves around players working as a team to rescue their chunky princess, while the opposing team must stuff her to the brim with tasty treats to weigh her down and make it harder on the rescuers…epic!

The positively adorable animations belay inquiry into its dark agenda - this title (apparently) promotes homophobia, negative stereotypes of obesity, and sexism! Oh my! I took another look, having previously overlooked the dastardly agenda of evil that is Fat Princess.

Feminist gamer writes that Fat Princess will "reinforce nasty stereotypes about women and the obese", while Melissa McEwan writes on blogspot that Fat Princess will create a "new generation of fat-hating, heteronormative assholes" Wow! The detractors of this game have all guns blazing based on a few minutes of promo footage! I suppose then, that I'm forced to retort, with a simple question:

"Do you think people are so stupid that they get their views on life from videogames?"

No, really, let's answer that. Melissa, your weight doesn't make you ugly - holding up your middle finger at a *cartoon* is what makes you unattractive; it's what's inside that counts after all, right? And what's at the root of this debate is the troubling implication that gamers are somehow stupid, easily influenced, hate-filled human beings who, upon seeing a game with a big, beautiful princess, start chucking rocks at the nearest buxom lady.

Gamers aren't stupid, immoral jerks - we're a mixed bag, just like the rest of society; straight, gay, fat, thin, tall, short, male, female, and everything in-between. Now, that's not to say that there aren't closed-minded gamers, just as there are closed-minded people who aren't gamers - but let's not blame the games. After all, I spent most of my childhood playing Sonic and Mario, and I've yet to have any desire to become a plumber or take up marathon running. What's at the heart of this debate is the idea that society sends a negative image of the obese and I'm not one to contest that - what I do contest is that this game is to blame.

A few years ago, a study was undertaken in which men were asked to select the most attractive woman out of a variety of pictures. The photos covered women of all shapes and sizes, from anorexic-thin to heavyset. Then, a group of women were shown the same pictures, and asked to select the one they felt would be most attractive to men. The women, on average, selected thinner women than the men did. In fact, the men largely selected women on the upper-normal end of a "normal weight" BMI. What does this tell us? Well - society is sending a negative body image to women, but men seem to largely find all shapes and sizes attractive. Interesting, it shows we have a problem, but who is to blame?

A quick google search for "Fat Princess" lead me to all sorts of interesting sites (turn on Safe Search for your own safety here!) and to finding that plenty of men wanted a princess with more meat on her bones. Hmm, well, Princess Peach was always a little too willowy. What's the harm, and where's the blame? Well, apparently, Fat Princess. Forget books, magazines, disney movies,...movies, over-pushy soccer moms telling their daughters that they must fit in a size 4 dress or little boys being told they mustn't date that "fat Suzy Jenkins", no, clearly an unpublished videogame is at fault!

The concern here seems to be yet another bad case of "let's blame games for everything" and it has backfired on a genuinely cute, playful, fun little title. After all, what's wrong with the princess being fat? Would it be better if she were skinny? Would it be less offensive if you tied rocks to her to weight her down? The implication here is that there's something wrong with a portly princess, that she should somehow be ashamed. Should the knights not be rescuing her? They seem eager and dedicated to the task of rescuing their fair lady - why would a game that supposedly encourages me to hate fat people make rescuing the heavyset princess such a joyous occasion?

Perhaps, in reality, the blogosphere simply looks to react negatively to anything in gaming - hoping to place blame for greater social ills on a harmless amusement. But, at a certain point, it's simple ridiculous. It's utterly nonsensical to throw out terms like "heteronormative" in regard to a simplistic cartoon game - would a prince rescuing his life partner make for a more edifying game? Wouldn't that then leave out female relationships altogether? In a world without common sense, that would be a tragedy, but really, I doubt the classic "prince charming" fairy tale rescue is to blame for homophobia, and it's a bit silly to turn to a *videogame* to teach a new generation of children about sexuality.

And that's simply the point of it all - who's really to blame for social ills? Parents? Teachers? Traditional Media? Generations of stereotypes and sexism? Maybe all of the above - but the hunt to point fingers has seemingly led us off the deep end, when we start pointing fingers at a cutesy bubbling princess as the source of all ills. Now really, having dug deep, scoured the argument of all meat, and starred at the bright-eyed royal rescue that is Fat Princess, there's really nothing left to say but "give me a break!"

I don't know about you, but I look forward to hauling a hefty princess home to my PS3 as soon as possible. I guess I'll just have to live with the terrible implications of Fat Princess convincing others that being overweight is an evil sin and those with a high BMI should buy Wii fit and become beautiful like Barbie, Jasmin, Ariel, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Lara Croft and any other fictional female babe who just last week were blamed for the nations anorexia problems! Oy vey…

Soapbox: Daisy, Daisy

by tunafish1 @ 2008-08-10 – 17:30:28

Do you like Mario Kart Wii? I like Mario Kart Wii and I have always loved the series. Part of what makes it so popular, aside from it being yet another Mario spin off, is the fact that the race tracks have just as much personality as the characters screeching across them. Fans of the series seem to dream up wondrous Plato like responses to the meanings behind each course and that’s why Nintendo puts so much effort into constantly rebuilding the retro tracks.

So I’m only slightly surprised to have some form of emotion over the Daisy track. At first I thought it was just because it’s serene, calm and is a circuit generally full of happiness but the more I pondered on it, the more I kept coming back to its central image- a golden statue of Princess Daisy dancing with Luigi; the first real, solid, visual evidence of these two characters being romantically involved. This piece of background detail in the Mario universe is the equivalent of Moulder and Scully, Frodo and Sam, Ron and Hermione and well…you get the idea. To the people who have lives: us Mario fans have been ruminating over the Luigi and Daisy pairing for almost over a decade now… OK this may require some explaining:

Daisy first enters the Mario universe in Super Mario Land where, instead of rescuing Princess Peach in the Mushroom Kingdom, you’re sent to the neighbouring Sarasaland to rescue Daisy… who looks just like Peach but we’re informed she is totally different because her clothes are a different colour. Soon after that she appeared on the NES Open golf game where she was Luigi’s caddy- this was the first time these characters were paired in any way. Not long after that the god aweful Mario live action movie opted to use Daisy as there leading Princess- please remember that at this point Peach was still known as ‘Princess Toadstool’ and a movie focused on dinosours and a lack of mushrooms would have made Peach’s mention rather awkward. Interestingly, they made Daisy the love interest of Luigi and not Mario. And then… Daisy fell off the face of the earth until the multiplayer Mario party games stacked up and Nintendo dropped her back in to make up for the lack of female heroes. With Luigi still single and a spare Princess running around, it became commonly accepted that the two had hooked up at some point.

The angle here is a joke on Luigi’s percieved Third Wheel stature- the notion that he is the buddy or brother of a megastar who hooks him up with an aqueintance of another megastar...call me a romantic, but I always liked to consider it in less cynical terms:

Maybe it was more like Daisy and Luigi kept running into one another socially at parties or charity conventions or whatever else you get dragged along to when you’re the sibling/ best friend of the Brad and Angelina of the video game world. You know, maybe they got talking about sidekick stuff, had some drinks, started doing stuff independantly of their richer halves and realised ‘hey, there’s something there.’ Doesn’t that sound nicer?

And the statue kind of backs me up about this. I mean, it’s a statue! You know what that says to me? It says that Daisy is so thrilled to be in love that she commissioned a public project to memorialise it: this is someone who doesn’t take romance for granted. Do you see Peach erecting statues to Mario? No and you wont- Peach is the kind of girl who feels she is always entitled to be adored: “Oh of course Mario loves me I’m the fucking Princess, hello?!” I’m sure it’s a great relationship but Mario and Peach are probably like an old married couple when they hang out but Daisy and Luigi are the ones who sneak off and baby talk like teenagers, aww.

The gaming world is full of romantic also-rans really; characters whose romantic goals don’t or nearly don’t work out for based on their hierarchy. You know who I always felt bad for? Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy VII: she’s smart, she’s practical, she’s tough, she’s got technical know-how and she’s got her own money. Tifa’s got a lot going on but she’s all alone with a welcome mat for Cloud who’s at best oblivious to it. The girl practically has ‘Free Lunch’ stamped on her forehead but he would rather mope around and be emo. What the fuck, right?! Tifa is the perfect woman for a typical Square Enix sad-sac like the young Mr Strife; maternal enough to snuggle up to after his latest Sephiroth related nightmare but strong enough to knock the bell jar out of his hands once in a while and make him get his shit together. This is exactly the type of woman emo brats like Cloud should be pursuing; she’ll make a man out of you as we say.

But you know who gets it the worst? Amy Rose from the Sonic the Hedgehog games. She’s technically Sonics love interest, but she gets very little of love. No, I’m not talking about from Sonic- he basically ignores her because he’s the ‘cool mascot’ and, well, girls are icky. Amy’s overlooking comes from Sonic fans because a pretty large number of them refuse to acknowledge her. They would rather see Sonic be paired up with Sally who isn’t even in the games! Sally is Sonics girlfriend from the Saturday morning cartoon and she has never been in a Sonic game save for a few meaningless cameos. Seeing as the games were hardly heavy on story, fans decided to pick up on the shows narratives instead to the extent where, when Amy first appeared in the games, the manual called her Sally…that kind of sucks for her don’t you think?

So err, I’ll be honest guys: I have got no clue as to where the punch line is or how I am supposed to wrap this one up so instead I’m going to clean up some business from last time:

1) Africa is a continent, not a country. I pooped, it was embarrassing and my bad… it wont happen again and I’m sorry if I offended an Africans or geographers.
2) For those who messaged me, asking why I didn’t insult Jewish people- Judaism is a religion, not a race. You pooped, it’s embarrassing and your bad. I hope it never happens again.
3) To those bilingual chaps out their- I speak only one language, therefore my Polish will not be grammatically perfect in any way, shape or form. We cool?