So, one of my pals - Ben 'Space Monkey' Ward - sends me a mail containing fifty questions. Apparently, when you get these mails, you're supposed to answer them all and send them to all your friends, so you can all get to know each other better. It sounds like a bold effort but I have a feeling that if you ever found yourself desperately needing to know what your friend's favourite film is you could just ASK them. I hope Space Monkey sent me this because he knew I'd send it up, because that's sure as hell what I'm going to do now.

SIMPLE QUESTIONS:

1. Full name: Zoe 'Tunafish' Jenny Ermintrude Featherstonehaugh Godzilla Mini-Cymbals.

2. Nicknames: Nick

3. Eye Colour: 'Forest Opal'

4. Height: 5"2', 5"4' when I'm using my fire-y superpower.

5. Hair: Yes.

6. Siblings: Aren't we all? Join hands and sing, brothers and sisters.

7. Do u like to sing in the shower? Even if I did, I wouldn't tell anyone who considered 'U' on its own to be a word.

8. Do u like to sing on the toilet? Yes, nothing gets my bowels functioning better than a few verses of Gloria Gaynor. What the hell is wrong with you people?

9. Birthday: Actually, my favourite Beatles song is Revolution 1.

10. Sign: 'Warning: Hazardous Materials'

11. Address: That one that started 'Four score and seven years ago'.

12. Sex: YES PLEASE!

13. Righty or lefty: I prefer to keep my political motivation to myself.

14. What do you want in a relationship most? See question 12.

15. Have you ever cheated? Once, when my opponent suffered a heart palpitation and I moved his hotel onto Park Lane while he was distracted.

16. MarITal status: I refuse to answer this question until you learn to capitalise properly.

17. Do you have a car? Not for want of trying.

18. What kinda car do you have/want? One with doors and an internal combustion engine. Say, couldn't you have just merged this question with the last one? Who writes these things, anyway?

FAVORITE QUESTIONS:

19. Movie: That one with the two guys.

20. Song: That one with the two guys.

21. Band/singer: That one with the two guys.

22. TV Show: That one with the two guys.

23. Actor: ...damn, you're too smart for me. Christian Coulson.

24. Actress: Cameron Diaz.

25. Food: See 23.

26. Number: Oh, for god's sake. I can't say I have a preference, although I do have a picture of 45 on my locker door.

27. Cartoon: THAT ONE WITH THE TWO GUYS.

28. Disney Character: Yes, let me tell you about my favourite Disney character. And afterwards, let's all have a magical tea party under the enchanted tree, then we can have a delightful game of pooh sticks.

29. Colour: 'Forest Opal'.

LOVE LIFE ETC:

30. Do you plan on having children: Not while I have my strength, I don't.

31. Do you want to get married: I refuse to continue this test until you learn to use question marks.

32. How old do you wanna be when you have your first child? That's better.

33. How old do you wanna be when you're married: Old enough to not be aware of the fact that I'm getting married.

34. Would you have kids before marriage: Isn't there some kind of interactive version of this quiz which removes this question if you answered 'no' to question 30?

35. Do u have a b/f or g/f (who)?: No, but I have a b/f or g/f in the Monkees.

37. Do you have a crush: Only when I pack my shopping carelessly.

EITHER-OR (PICK WHICH ONE YOU PREFER)

38. Music/TV: What if I'm watching music ON the TV? Ha, I have outsmarted this foolish quiz.

39. Guys/Girls: Actually, I preferred Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.

40. Green/Blue: 'Forest Opal'.

41. Pink/Purple: Again, is there a way to remove this question if you answered 'guys' to question 39?

42. Summer/Winter: The one that doesn't feature wasps.

43. Night/Day: Oh, please.

44. Hangin Out/Chillin: I have a feeling you were watching the opening sequence to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air when you were trying to come up with questions for this quiz.

45. Dopey/Funny: I don't remember any dwarves named Funny.

46. You know I'm around when you hear: Moronic questions?

47. What school do u go to? University of life.

48. Have you ever taken drugs? Yes, but they made me give them back.

49. What's a major turn on for you? The rank above a captain turn on, I suppose.

50. How far would you go on a first date? About four miles, but any more than two and I'd have to catch a bus.